Baby Dos...we love you.

I have to be honest. I have dreaded doing this post. I sit here and am filled with sadness. But part of me feels that I can't hide from it forever. As many of you know, I lost Baby Dos. Last Wed. (Nov. 14th) I went in for my regular check up and my midwife could not find a heartbeat. One minute we were talking about where I wanted to deliver my baby...the next I had an emergency ultrasound scheduled. The sonographer had to come back from home...as you can imagine it was the longest hour and a half of my life. The worst part was that Aaron was out of town at a shoot in Vancouver...he had no idea of what was going on. Finally, they did an internal ultrasound and confirmed my worst nightmare. There was no heartbeat. I was bawling when the technician came to tell me that my mom was there. I thought she was crazy because my mom was at work and didn't even know anything was wrong. But I shouldn't have underestimated the bond between mother and child. She DID know something was wrong...and she knew she had to get to me. It was an amazing moment in my life and I was never so glad to see her. We went back to my midwife and I was given two options...wait for a miscarriage (it could take up to two weeks) and would feel like labor or get a DNC. Frankly, both options were awful but I ended up getting a DNC on Friday. The nurses and doctors were amazing. They snuck my family back with me in the waiting area and let me cry on their shoulders. When I woke up from the surgery, I kept asking for my baby and the nurse cried with me. Aaron, my mom, and Missy came back and spent time with me in recovery before I was released. Afterward I had the hardest time with little things, like cutting off my medical bracelet. Part of me felt like it was one of my last ties to my baby. Doesn't make any sense but it was how I felt.

I feel very blessed to have such loving family and friends. I go back and forth between despair and anger. It was horrible to take the baby counter off of the blog (the one that shows the baby growing) but it was even more awful to watch it continue on knowing that Baby Dos was not. I want to thank everyone for their love and support...especially Aaron. He is such a rock...and of course my baby girl. Malia keeps me smiling when all I want to do is cry. I am sure that this post is TMI...I tend to do that. BUT, it is something that I felt was very necessary for myself. Thanks for all of your support and love.